I'm Down With ODD

As if colic and a defiant three year old weren't enough, Lula had to hit the "terrible twos" right at the age where my kids usually hit it...

Lula discovers the Temper Tantrum.  I wouldn't let her drink Heidi's bottle.  See how red her face is?

I don't need this right now.  Cutting out dairy and the Zantac don't seem to be working on my colicky baby (she has been crying all. DAY. LONG!) and I don't need an extra 45 minutes of crying every night from another kid.  Something has to go.  I choose...the defiant three year old.

My current library stack.

I'm glad I started reading the library books listed under the subject heading of "difficult children."  I can tell that it would be very very easy to have Daniel diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder.  VERY easy.  He bombed the How Often Does Your Child... test.  But since he is only three years old, he is on the young end for an official diagnosis.  And a label really wouldn't do anything for him because he isn't going to public school and he doesn't need professional help...yet.  My hope is to "reprogram" Daniel's wiring before his opposition and defiance become a chronic problem.  Unless it already is.  He has been oppositional since he could string two words together.  What was cute at 2 1/2 years, isn't so cute now at 3 1/2 years.  His behavior is quickly driving a wedge between him and his siblings and causing me distress.

I'm happy to glean wisdom and techniques to help Daniel overcome himself using these books.  So far, the book on the left has been very helpful; the rest I haven't started yet.  One example the book gave was when a child refuses to come out of a time out because they want to establish the control.  How did they know that Daniel does that any time he is given a time out?  In the past I just let him keep sitting there; he was quiet a little longer and gave us all a bit of a break.  The only person he was punishing was himself because he was choosing to miss out on fun.  Now I know I need to punish him with a second time out if he refuses to leave time out.  Strange, but it works.  He says, "I'm never getting off time out AGAIN!" and I say, "Because you are not obeying me, you will have another time out."  NOOOOO! After the second time out he meekly gets up when I tell him to, followed by my praise for listening and obeying.

Yesterday, when Shane gave Daniel a bowl of peaches and Daniel wouldn't say, "Thank you," I covered his bowl with my hand and said, "You can have your peaches after you say thank you to Shane."  Then I looked away and completely ignored him while he shouted "NO!" and "I already did!"  After about a minute, he squirmed in his chair like he was being stabbed with hot pokers and thanked Shane.  And then I praised him for obeying me and being so thoughtful and having such good manners.

Daniel cuts the cheese after he proves his knife skills on the carrots.  Terrifying.

Normally Daniel loves to do things on his own when it is his own idea.  He started making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a year ago.  He is perfectly capable at making and buttering his toast.  This morning, I asked him to butter his own toast.  Because I asked him to do it and it wasn't his idea, he said "NO! And I'm never eating toast AGAIN!"  I just shrugged, dropped his toast on the floor, and called the dog to come eat it.  You can bet your bottom dollar he was off his chair and buttering away before Mina could get her teeth in HIS toast. Again, I praised him for obeying me and making his toast.

Up until today, Daniel has refused to participate in his PE class at the YMCA.  Today I explained to his teacher that Daniel was ODD and had a hard time participating in things that weren't his idea.  I said that normal tricks don't work on him; I tried them.  Even sitting in the baby stroller walking in boring circles around the track was better than dodge ball!  Crazy kid.  I didn't care if Daniel participated or not, but I wasn't going to reward him by giving him extra attention, positive or negative, for his behavior; he could just sit by himself on the bench for all I cared.  The teacher was awesome (he is a homeschooling dad of many) and totally gets it.  He got right down to Daniel's level and asked him what game he liked to play.  Daniel says, "Soccer ball?" and the teacher said, "That's a great idea! Let's go play with the soccer balls!" Daniel ran off and participated the whole time! After class he ran right into my arms for a big hug (sigh) and I praised him for playing and rewarded him with a trip to the big toy room!  Lucky boy!

When he isn't defying me, I am praising him to the skies and back for all his good deeds.  I'm hoping that his brain re-wires to WANT the praise over the negative attention.  Wouldn't it be nice if he just climbed into my lap for a snuggle instead of head-butting his sister over and over so I will grab him and restrain him and refuse to let go until he can control himself (and then he refuses to get off my lap when I do let go-or he starts giggling and head butting again so he will get in trouble again)?  The hardest part is ignoring him when he is acting out.  His siblings just don't have the same stubborn reserves that I do.  It will come in time if they are anything like me (big grin).  After all, it is quite possible Daniel gets all this awfulness from me; my mom did pass down an old copy of The Strong-Willed Child to me... hmmm...why did she have it?  Is it possible that...I have ODD?  That sure would explain a lot...